i feel so wrong. i can barely move, my senses are dimming and im lost and dissociated | everything is so wrong and twisting and swirling | miss the warm, comforting thump of someone's heart against my cheek | i want to be held before i die. i just want to feel some warmth | im wrong in so many ways |  i have had suicide dreams every night for the past 2 weeks again  

i love you, all of you and i hope you will find peace, however you may | i am going to some benzos and a few tramadol and see if i can cool my jets | you ever notice how everyone you knew growing up turned out to be total shitheads? | i dont want to die in some shitty alley im so alone | my insides are shaking i cant calm down | i want to die but i cant move | im such a contagious, weak piece of trash | i only hurt people | im made of disease | 

i hate being jealous | i want to throw myself through some goddamn walls | im definitely not a good or gracious person | im a dangerous horrible piece of shit and i should never have human contact | fuck me hell is here on earth | i was wrong but don't hate me | i've spent all day lying in bed without a shirt on, opoid-high, weaving in and out of consciousness and listening to punk | i just want to be ok | feeling almost anything would be a step up. instead i just look at myself in the mirror and note how dead my eyes look | it's actually kind of funny how much of a fucking depressoid i am. it makes me want to be really violent to myself while laughing hard | my cool-ometer is completely out of whack. i can't tell what's cool anymore

im not a human being im just a thing wrapped up in skin. some sort of ghost. i never was a real person | i am as hideous and worthless and pointless as i always knew i was, only worse | im gradually losing control of my actions 1 i have been awake for 24 hours 1 write a book about it, become a cult figure for 2030s teenagers 1 oh my god my head why did i drink all the beers | Shoegazing as performance art | ideologically impure dreams detected | i wouldnt have made it through my teenage years without punk 

it's horrible to have to choose between horrific side effects and severe depression | i'm pretty much always emotional and i worry that it makes people feel weird when they read my tweets 1 there's a weird sort of inverted narcissism in depression that makes you think you are uniquely terrible in all of creation | what was that thing hegel said about the desire to rock and roll all night vs the desire to party every day

i want to bite someone's throat and feel the blood rush through | now i just have hollowness | i am feeling worse and worse about a certain part of me and nothing i do can get rid of it | i want to do very destructive, very painful, and very deadly things to myself right now, and i can't get the thoughts out of my head | it's like the brain is nothing but a repository for all the hate and shit and pain | watch me as i slowly morph into a less gross looking and less racist or sexist zizek without even reading hegel | i want to lay down on a bed made of crayons and roll around on it 

i'm as dead as a christmas tree |o nce when i was a kid i flicked a drop of water at a lightbulb while staring directly at it and it exploded on me | i feel like i'm breaking apart, from my insides out 1 i'm actually just drunk and pretentious | i really hate being able to feel myself "alive" sometimes. breathing, pulse. it makes me angry and upset | is there a man on this gay earth who can marry the richness and beauty of baroque with the grandeur and spectacularity of fascism? | i judge religions based on their aesthetic qualities rather than historical track record or the feasibility of their tenets & so should you | i don't accept hugs from those free hugs people. they can fuck right off | I hope god descends from heaven to purge the world of sin, and by god I mean nuclear warhead | sun screen is for babies 

once again getting bombed on cheap vodka proves to be the moral choice | don't fuck the police, sexual frustration for all cops | so the therapist guy suggested that i think more positively. i spent the last 15 minutes of the session dumbfounded | i dont like feeling dissociated and numb like this. usually i end up hurting myself and i fuck it up and end up in the hospital or something | im so alone. i'm so fucking alone. and i don't know what to do

art by alfred zorrita